what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
