Screwed.edu
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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