Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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