my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
