cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
