we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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