is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
