so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
