i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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