I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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