genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize