oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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