I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize