Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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