what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
