My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
