my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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