I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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