I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
