I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
