The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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