the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
