if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
