I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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