Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
