Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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