There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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