Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
