I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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