Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
