I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
