mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
