I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
