Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize