apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
