My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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