I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
