Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
