ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
did you just send me my own nude
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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