Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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