i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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