I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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