you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
