you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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