So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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