final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
