Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
