I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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