Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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