Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
