why didn't you poke me back
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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