when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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