I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize