My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
