I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You pole danced in your parka.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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