WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
