I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
smell my finger.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
