you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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