Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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