We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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