i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
