I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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