If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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