You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Randomize
