i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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